Funny, Clever Jokes

  • A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "Nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die."
  • A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
  • ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
  • Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
  • How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
  • How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ? None. The invisible hand does it.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I ordered a honeymoon salad. It's lettuce, alone.
  • I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • The very first doctor of dermatology, had to start from scratch.
  • This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
  • What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick
  • What doesn't exist, but has a name? Nothing
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • What is yours but your friends use it more than you do? Your Name
  • What's brown and sticky? A stick
  • Where does the one legged waitress work? IHOP
  • Why are fishermen successful in business? Because they make "net profits".
  • Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Because they all have phones.
  • Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
  • Why don't blind people like to sky dive? It scares the heck out of the dog.
  • You should always give 100% at work...12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
  • Jeff went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Jeff and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
    Jeff looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
    "And what do you deduce from that?"
    - Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
    - Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    - Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
    - Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
    - Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    - Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
    But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
    Holmes is silent for a moment.
    "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"